Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the role model to all children, the man with superior length, and the world’s biggest hater, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today jubilant, as the Raiders finally have a head coach they would run through a wall for. No Raider fan would have walked at such a brisk pace to do so much as bring Josh McDaniels a lukewarm coffee. There are many men with brilliant minds in the world, but not all are suited to lead. Leading men takes charisma, not just intelligence, and McDaniels had the charisma of a nurse from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. McDaniels is as likeable as the cloud of odor emanating from a room where people are playing Magic: The Gathering.
Check It Out: More From Raiderdamus
There are many people who would choose to move on and never mention our erstwhile former coach again. That would be a good decision for them. I am not one of those people, because I am petty and I make fun of people who deserve it, so I will show nothing but disdain for that dude until the end of time. People can get over bad experiences through humor, and McDaniels is the biggest joke there is, so I will not let him slink out the door forgotten like a dog’s fart when the owner is at work.
Raiderdamus’ Sunday Foretelling: Jets vs. Raiders
Speaking of things I will never let go of, the Raiders have a game on Sunday night, and so I’ve once again asked the Great Beyond for his wisdom regarding their opponent. Here is the message I received:
“New York football is in a really rough spot. The last time jets did this much damage to New Yorkers, the US went to war in Afghanistan over it.
It’s clear the team hasn’t the slightest clue how to fix their problem. The Jets’ offense wasn’t good last year either, and ownership brought in Todd Downing and Nate Hackett and said, “My job is done here!”. Oh, and they brought in A. A. Ron Rodgers too, who played for almost an entire drive before seeing his shadow and scurrying back into his burrow to wait out the harsh winter.
Nobody can blame Rodgers for getting tired of coming up short in Wisconsin. It’s pretty cold there, so every guy comes up short once in a while. But Rodgers forced a trade to, of all teams, the Jets, showing the sharp decision-making skills that led the Packers to be willing to send him there in the first place. The Packers, like the rest of America, had grown tired of Rodgers’ Chico State granola shaman hackey-sack bullsh*t and were happy to send him to a city that has a scented candle store and sells kombucha at the supermarket.
Raiderdamus: Wisconsin isn’t a place for free spirits…
Wisconsin isn’t a place for free spirits or $50 million spirits like Rodgers. It’s a place for God-fearing men who pray for forgiveness after each DUI they rack up and whose idea of a darkness retreat is being in a tree stand at 3 AM, hoping the urine spray you bought at Cabella’s will mask the smell of the gouda you also somehow bought at Cabella’s.
Former Jets head coach Rex Ryan must surely be pleased with his decision to retire from football and become the X-ray tech at MetLife Stadium, because the first thing he got to take a picture of was Aaron Rodgers’ foot. The acquisition of Rodgers filled Jets fans with hope for months until it came crashing down like it always does. Jets are sensible enough, usually, that while they are full of many things, hope is rarely one of them. Let Giants fans have hope. They’re not the ones in a division with the Patriots. The Patriots have brutalized the Jets for so long that the US military named their surface-to-air missile the Patriot Missile.
Raiders Players Anonymously Bash Former HC Josh McDaniels In SI Report
Aaron Rodgers lay there on the grass at MetLife…
Rodgers lay there on the grass at MetLife in the first quarter against the Bills, his desires stricken from him and his mistakes laid bare, the latest victim of what may be the most cursed franchise in football. Yes, the Vikings, Falcons, and Chargers have high marks for futility, but nobody matches the Jets. The Jets won Super Bowl 3 and thus have not appeared in a Super Bowl since the AFL-NFL merger.
They hang a banner that essentially means nothing, since football is fundamentally a different game than it was in 1968. And the Jets were one of the teams that ushered in this pass-happy era, with Joe Namath throwing the ball for thousands of yards in a wide-open offense that other teams soon copied.
The Jets, though, had their glory tied up in Namath…
The Jets, though, had their glory tied up in Namath, and when he was gone, they became one of the saddest teams in the NFL. They won the Super Bowl the same year as the moon landing, and the USA has stopped going to the moon just in case the Jets win the Super Bowl again.
Through a combination of poor drafting, poor free agent decisions, and being in the same division as Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, and Tom Brady, the Jets have managed to be underwhelming for so long that if they were a British soccer team, they’d be a third-division side playing in front of 74 people in a Scottish backwater that has more pubs than citizens.
Quarterbacks The Las Vegas Raiders Could Target At The 2024 NFL Draft
The Jets wasted the careers of…
The Jets wasted the careers of Ken O’Brien, Boomer Esiason, Vinny Testaverde, Curtis Martin, Mark Gastineau, Al Toon, Wayne Chrebet, Kyle Brady, Mo Lewis, Vernon Gholston, and countless others in their quest to overtake sewer rats as New York’s least appealing attraction. It’s easy to look at who the Jets drafted and laugh, but how much poorer would we be as fans of football if the Jets had drafted great players, and they never became great because they played for the Jets?
The Jets, and by extension, the Giants, play in a soulless corporate monstrosity that, like our justice system, serves only as a stumbling block for normal people and a wealth vacuum for the rich. It is built in a swamp, which is to say, it is in New Jersey. The Jets belong in New Jersey because they are trashy, loud, and ugly and make poor decisions every day, just like everyone who makes the conscious choice to live in New Jersey. It is our worst state, and that’s saying a lot because it’s one state over from Ohio.
Raiderdamus: I would suggest that people move away from New Jersey…
I would suggest that people move away from New Jersey, but that wouldn’t do either, because it serves as a containment field for the sort of people willing to live there. It is a prison for those who lack the personality to have other options in life.
New York has an excellent defense, which will serve only to allow them to finish in 8th place in the AFC and have them draft somewhere in the teens where they will not be able to dramatically improve their team. Zach Wilson took over as quarterback following Rodgers’ injury, and to say he’s been up and down would be underselling it. Some weeks he plays like Patrick Mahomes, and some weeks he plays like Jackson Mahomes. He often looks like he’d rather be anywhere else than on the football field, maybe off-cougar hunting somewhere.
Wilson is like an annoying girlfriend. Yes, there are better options out there, but she’s lived here for a while, and it’s too late to start over. You know she’s not getting a ring from you, though.
Raiders win, 20-10.
Raiderdamus: A Return To The “Raider Way”
*Top Photo: Getty Images
The post Raiderdamus’ Sunday Foretelling: Jets vs. Raiders appeared first on The Raider Ramble.
